Rationale 

7th November 2024  

08:38:17  

22 degrees Celsius  

80 BPM  

I am shaking.  

It's the nerves again.  

This isn't a panic attack yet,  

at least within 90% certainty.  

Long deep breaths -  

What is your the meaning of this moment.  

What is the correct choice for this moment and why?  

Why are you feeling the way you are?  

What is your reason?  

Is the problem really that important right now?  

Why don't you distract yours-

Just stop this pointless query for reason.  

You will not find a solution to emotion.  

Wait until your feelings commit treason.  

Your faith in logic rivals any and all devotion.  

This rationalization only delays the disaster.  

No god can save you from the breakage of your plaster.

One can hide behind the mask of factional analysis.  

Sadly, performing all your life induces self-loss.  

When questioned in identity can you escape paralysis?  

This fabrication of progress, you are no victim carrying a cross.  

The smartest idiot standing still and motionless.  

Your inaction will lead to consequence.  

Don't you realize the great blunder committed?  

Unable to weep even a single tear in terror.  

Do you think such a soulless husk should be permitted?  

Reason might make one believe existence was an error.  

So, I beg of you indulge in fantasy and poetry.  

It is the only thing able to remake you a person.

The temptation of Insanity

Choosing to stand at the edge of reason is incredibly freeing.  

What to do in a life, where no god, no king can give a person a sign?  

Be careful nevertheless to not trip over the invisible dividing line.  

When you douse yourself in nonsense, Life starts to seem worthless.  

Does the only solution lie the refusal of participation?  

Let yourself be consumed by the inevitable end,  

without any prosecution planned.  

No corrupt judges,  

No jury of fools,  

And no victims to defend.  

The absurdity itself can carry your mind to wonderland.  

Yet as all things in transformation you can't be the same in any constellation.

When the Self escapes to the mind, what is left to intermingle and entwine?  

The mind is such a deeply lonely place, a party without any friends, besides yourself.  

Don't you dare project yourself through your imaginary lens,  

If you are not ready to accept the person you find behind the curtain.  

A monster, amalgamation, made of stolen parts.  

I feel alienated, contaminated, poisoned by the strict ideals surrounding me.  

What else is left, besides deciding to break free?  

Well besides escaping into insanity?  

Dancing with the self and death is the choice of brilliance.  

But only when your story lives to tell the tale.  

The fragile self can only remain through due diligence.  

- With additional advice by  @TreeCat2007 (aka Chiara Sinzinger)

The cold

I can feel it seeping in from my feet.

It's piercing eyes, skin and throat.

Too much of it could mean my defeat.

The coldness of the wind inspiring to fly.

Any attempt to hide within my collar is futile.

My hair quivering in the onslaught.

Breath blowing past me into nothingness.

Nevertheless coldness is steadying my thought.

Even rain and snow are unending in their richness.

In face with the harsh outside the self begins to calm.

So even in darkest night one can handle a storm.

If not alone then together.

For the cold has always subsided in the face of humanity.

In a tight bus, before a fire, or under the pillows -

escaping the cold is only natural. 

On The outside looking in

I shall look into my soul  

This cold autumn night  

Not because I fear death  

But there is nothing left  

I am not running away from this spotlight  

It is the only way to regain my control

Empathy seems impossible when you are so young  

I apologize for being this dumb  

I don't know why I don't know how  

Some details seem to slip past somehow

I could not see, I could not decipher  

No, I didn't even notice when I should  

I swear I care, that is why it hurts me so sehr  

I am not lying why don't you believe me

Wanting to do right, fearing the wrong  

But I don't know what needs to be done  

People need to talk, why are they so damn complex  

Am I lacking context  

what don't I understand

Die Welt ist furchtbar, bin ich es auch  

Ich weiß einfach nicht, was ihr jetzt braucht

On Death 

One Autumn night I thought once again about suicide,  

I assure you it is nothing to worry about,  

Since I shan't ever act it out

I will just keep drafting day and night  

these senseless concepts for my last light

Every now and then I am caught of guard by thoughts on suicide,  

I am certain it is nothing but a feeble cry for control in a turbulent life  

Is this just an attempt to escape responsibility or death of a different kind  

We can only hope I retain reason until my mind becomes unconfined

It tempts me you know, my thoughts on suicide  

If nothing I do will rid myself from the worms in my mind  

Why not rid the worms of their confines?  

This pointless search for reason can only end with me dehumanised

They, I keep talking and screaming  

Trying, failing to decipher life's true meaning  

Distracting from responsibility, deafening  

I just want to be, but revolt is exhausting

I know my death will do me no good  

That in some time I will be just fine  

But these thoughts are constricting, feeling misunderstood  

I know people help me why do I send them away  

This should just work why don't I grow a spine  

My life, just now, in a lot disarray

Ego

Who or what, knows or sees, what must be the one, true, real me  

Aware of thoughts, feelings, but  what can you see, with all this debris

Am I the one envisioned by others, through an ever judging lense  

Or just an act necessary for my own defense  

I can not see what I don't understand, why am I so restricted to my hollow implies  

Unable to see like others, feel like them, trying, failing to correctly emphasize

I fail and try again why won't someone explain it to me

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE  

I want to desperately appeal, do things correctly  

I forever remain restricted to me, inexplicably  

There is no excuse for behavior you did, even the awful can understand  

SO WHY WONT THE AWFUL ME JUST END  

Trying to differantiate between the character and me  

Where did it go, all my authenticity?  

...  

I can see it again, not a new beginning, not the end  

A new path I carved out together with conscious and some people I could depend

Trying to do better, be the me, which wants to feel and see

I am not alone but neither am I them

People are temporary but that doesn't make them any less important  

where does the me end?

At the end of the party 

We get the feeling of being close to the end  

At the forefront of change it is easy to imagine halt

The gold rush is over, so why even bother  

Someone should clean up but no one wants to admit that

I have been told of a golden time  

How fun it was to live real life

Now I am just locked up  

a volunteer in my own imprisonment

When does it better, this imaginary life  

Profit dictates all, what meaning is there to money  

When all it does is exchange for the privilege of life

I am at the end of the party  

No drink no food  

Apart from what the people before me decided to leave to me  

Oh how fortune breeds the fear

Annihilation

Why would one destroy the ego?  

Alternating between self hate and the stable state.  

When does destruction howl to a cure in placebo.  

What can one do besides endlessly create?  

Destruction forgoes the forgot.  

When change should be the norm.  

When one wishes to be unborn.  

The desire to not stay where you once thought.

Self hate is way to easy to validate.

For no one can correct, what has been so frivolously checked.  

I understand you worry but believe me it is necessary.  

I need to obstruct, hide, judge decimate,  

What little remains of my affiliate.

About Her # 1  

My mind is under siege.  

I know it might be hard at first to believe.  

It is straining to breathe, difficult to see, I am drowning in you.  

How did I end up in this avenue?  

A broken beggar in fancy clothes stands in front of the human queen.  

While hiding behind a smoke screen, imagining what could have been.

Suddenly she pulls me close - direct confrontation, what is happening?  

My brain full of adrenaline, without thought I start rambling.  

Possibilities breaking through feeble defenses.  

Without breath, the questions endless -  

I am scared of admitting the truth, scared of the vulnerable.  

What if she isn't talking about me the insufferable?

Emotions flooding the fear.  

I scream, I laugh, I cry -  

Everything I feel, in only a few short words -  

I love you!

About Her #2  

The sky is doused in grey.  

I am worrying about those fated days,  

When all my fortune inevitably collapses,  

But you are here.  

How do you make my world this bright, my dear?  

I want to be with you until all of time elapses.

Your smile so bright I am in need of sunscreen,  

Is it blush or burn caused by the human queen?  

When I am there with you, the world lights up in colour.  

How can one individual hold this much humanity?  

How can one be this great so unconditionally?  

In the face of your personhood, all problems become smaller.

When all the incredible in you is so blurred,  

What less do you deserve, than the greatest of the world?  

Still I can not give what is becoming of you.  

Am I blinded by love?  

Will I end as a flightless dove?  

But I shall forever strive to do the best I can do

About Her #3

In Liebe mit der Dichterin,

Meisterin der Fantasie und Vorstellung,

Die Schlieren der Realität gefüllt von tieferem Sinn.

Träume mit Grenzen nur in ihrer eigenen Vollendung.

Die Welten verbunden durch Gedanken, welche nie zu verlaufen schienen. 

Durch deine Erzählung, will die Zeit ganz alleine nur dir dienen.

Oh Poetin, in welche Märchen wirst du mich als nächstes entführen?

Wie vermagst du es dein Publikum so tief zu berühren?  

Deine Geschichten gefüllt mit grenzenloser Bildmalerei.

Von Geschmäckern zu Gefühlen, wird jeder Teil des Menschen vereint.

Und zwischen hier und dort finde ich mich absorbiert von deiner Zauberei.

Die Beobachter rechnen Fest damit, dass einer dieser Charaktere hier erscheint.

Ich kann Sie spüren, diesen erstickenden Atem.

Wie lange darf ich mit dir darauf warten? 

Gefühle brechen in Stürmen herab.

Warum kann ich an nichts anderes denken, die ganze Nacht?

Diese Abenteuer ketten mich an meinen Bildschirm an.

Bedacht keinen Laut zu geben, das Geschehen nicht zu stören.

Ich kann nicht wegblicken, gefesselt durch deinen bann. 

Mir wird Heiß, doch du hörst nicht auf mit betören.

Es geht immer, weiter, schneller, tiefer.

Sie schreiten voran mit unendlichem Eifer.

Doch dann hört es plötzlich auf.

Und ich sitze wieder auf meinem Bürostuhl drauf.

Tension

When you are–

forced to witness this insurmountable

danger, a true force to be reconned with–

I am scared of it more than anything else,

where it is so

utterly and completly,

I fear it more than–

all that have seen will agree,

on it being the thing we fear most,

the Future.